“Everyone in this room is very privileged,” announced Allston, Massachusetts-based sludge-metal act Phantom Glue’s bassist Nick Wolf a mere hour and a half before mighty hardcore mavens-turned-prog metallers Cave In played their first show in four years. Wolf was hardly the only one feeling that way. When Cave In first announced that they’d be reuniting for a small club show at Allston, Massachusett’s Great Scott, a tiny-ass, PBR-fueled venue a mere block from this writer’s apartment, I knew it wasn’t just a “privilege,” it was fucking fate.

Despite the success of the guys’ subsequent side projects (bassist-vocalist Caleb Scofield plays in Old Man Gloom and Zozobra, guitarist Adam McGrath has Clouds, and guitarist-vocalist Steve Brodsky has approximately one-million projects, solo and otherwise, going on), Cave In’s signature brand of hard rock and progressive metal, not to mention their ability to constantly evolve, has made them respected and revered beyond the borders of “Thrashachusetts.” But for their first show since 2005, they kept it local, calling on fellow Massholes Phantom Glue and rising doom metallers Disappearer (from Boston) to open their long-awaited reunion show.

Like Phantom Glue, Disappearer were clearly psyched for the gig. “I can’t even think of anything to talk about besides how stoked I am to see Cave In,” said bassist Jebb Riley to the crowd of anxious fans. “Tonight’s all about them. We’re just the fluffer.” Despite this humble statement, the rising Boston-based trio ripped into a set of crushing, atmospheric post-metal that was anything but “fluffer.”

Cave In barreled back into action with “Luminance” off their 1999 Creative Eclipses EP before throttling into a set full of tracks off their various Hydra Head Records releases, including their newest EP, Planets of Old. (The band did not play any tracks off their only RCA release, Antenna—but no one seemed to miss them.) Throughout the hour-long set, which vocalist-guitarist Steve Brodsky revealed was the fastest-selling show in the venue’s history, the band played fan-favorites like “Juggernaut,” “Big Riff,” and “Trepanning,” as well as all four tracks off the new short-player, vinyl copies of which could be seen hanging off the arms of several attendees.

Photo by Reid Haithcock
Amidst jokes about coming out of “retirement” and declarations of thanks to the opening acts and their patient, faithful fans, Brodsky, McGrath, Scofield, and drummer John-Robert Conners seemed to genuinely enjoy being back onstage together for the first time since 2005. The crowd of about a couple hundred revelers nodded approvingly to new tracks “Retina Sees Rewind” and “The Redtrail” but exploded into a slamming and swaying pit of euphoric faces and spastic limbs during songs off older releases like 1999’s Until Your Heart Stops.

Photo by Reid Haithcock
Photo by Reid Haithcock
Sad you missed it? You damn well should be. McGrath declared that the guys will be hitting the stage again in November. Keep an eye out and have your credit cards ready, kids.

By Valerie McQueen

Revolver's Suicide Silence issue—which comes in two, highly collectible editions with alternate covers featuring frontman Mitch Lucker (see below)—hits newsstands today! And to tie into the issue, here's the third in RevolverMag.com's exclusive bi-weekly series of new Suicide Silence webisodes. In this one, Lucker and guitarist Mark Heylmun take us track-by-track through the first six songs on their new album, No Time to Bleed (Century Media).

Sometimes, on the subway, I one-by-one size up everyone else in my car, from the heavily tattooed bodybuilder to the tired-looking grandmother with her grocery cart, and think about what would happen if I just ran up and punched them in their stupid fucking face. Sometimes, in these mental battles, things go my way, and the fight ends with me laughing over their broken and bloodied corpse; sometimes, I get overpowered or catch a right hook and spend the rest of the fantasy mopping up mouth salsa from the filthy train floor. Either way, there’s something extremely satisfying about it.

I’m not a fighting guy—I’ve been in a handful of fights in my time, and they were all awkward and stupid—but a good fight is something that cannot be denied. The level to which we deify boxers, wrestlers, and MMA fighters illustrates how much we as humans value strength shown in combat. There are some fights, however, that I’ve always dreamed of—those battles of epic might from two factions, from Frankenstein versus The Wolfman to Hector versus Achilles. So seeing as I’m in a punchy mood and want to fantasize about kicking some epic ass, here is my list of the Six People I Want and Don’t Want To Fight. Put up your dukes.

The Six People I Want to Fight

1) Hitler Beating the teeth out of the most wretched dictator of all time has always been a dream of mine. In fact, I believe it’s THE dream—every young American should fantasize about busting the Furher’s jaw. Hitler was a bitch.
2) George Washington Obviously, I would fight the G-Wash for different reasons than Hitler—our first President was probably an icy badass, and it would even be an honor to get your shit rocked by Georgie “Bitch, I AM America” Washington and dropped into the Delaware.
3) Nathan Gale Ooooh, Nathan. Oooooh, Nathan. You better hope I never die, buddy, ‘cause I will find you in Hell, Nathan. I’m gonna sift through the billions of acres of fiery pitch that is the Netherworld until I find the cold dark place where they keep you, Nate. And there, I will bust your skull open and pee in it.
4) Eddie Iron Maiden’s mascot may have been a zombie, a mummy, a cyborg, a tree, a soldier, a fighter pilot, a bat, and the devil himself, but I bet he takes a punch like any other shmuck. I figure, top of a mountain, lightning in the background—what could be better?
5) Evil Chris Deep down, it is every man’s dream to do battle with a mustached version of themselves that’s just stepped out of a shimmering portal. Best part? By the time your friends show up to help, you’ve somehow torn off his mustache? Who’s the evil one? Who’s the good one! Fundamental questions! GOD, NO!
6) The Pope If I can’t fight God himself, I’ll kick the shit out of his chief servant. You hear that, your Holiness? I am going to fucking stomp your big-hatted ass!

The Six People I Don’t Want to Fight

1) George St. Pierre The Welterweight Champion of the UFC wouldn’t be an honorable fight. Maybe because I’d soil my pants and begin softly weeping upon seeing him. I feel like I’ve had this nightmare before…
2) Jason Vorhees There’s no unstoppable killing machine like THE unstoppable killing machine. It’s barely even a fight if you’re trying to attack a brick wall with a machete. Thanks, but no thanks.
3) Vinnie Jones There is nothing funny or cool about the beatdown Vinnie Jones would give me. It would result multiple screws being driven into my skull and a neckbrace for most of my adult life. No dice.
4) My mom Oh Jesus, I can’t think of anything worse. Not only could I not punch my own mom in the face, but she’d have the power of years upon years of traumatic fear on her side. The only fight I’d ever lose to a woman wielding a wooden spoon.
5) Chuck Zito This massive ex-president of the New York chapter of the Hell’s Angel is most famous for kicking the crap out of Jean Claude Van Damme. I shook Zito’s massive at my first NYC Tattoo Convention, where I think he was signing copies of his book. To put it simply, I was polite.
6) John McClane Dude, there’s no way. If countless dead German terrorists have taught me anything, it’s that John McClane is not to be fucked with. You think you’ve killed him, and then wham, he starts making fun of your dead henchmen over the walkie-talkie. That shit is real.

By Chris “El Miedo Gordo” Krovatin

As a proud owner of a vagina, and daughter of a gynecologist, I feel more than qualified to offer up honest, raw, and unadulterated advice regarding all things related to sex, the human body, and relationships. So, all you metalhead freaks out there, please email me your most dire, dirty, sick, and twisted questions about women and the way we work, from our emotional hearts to our even more complicated parts. Email me at RevolvHer@gmail.com.

Dear RevolvHER,
I am a single rocker dude in my 30s. I have been going on a lot of dates lately, but haven’t quite moved beyond the dating/casual sex realm with anyone. I have noticed in my dating travails that I keep hearing the same thing from all the girls. We’ll be having a great first few dates and she will say, “You’re being nice now, but you’ll probably end up being a jerk like every other guy.” This is an instant boner killer. My question for you is, why do women do this? Do they purposefully want to push men away? What should I say back? Don’t they know that this is probably the main reason that they are single?
The Rocker

Dear Rocker,
Sorry to hear about your troubles. But I must say, I find this fascinating and worthy of a verbose response. I love hearing a man talk about the stupid things girls do during the courtship phase of romance to fuck up our chances at love. I am sure that I have done something that self-defeating on a date before, but it’s probably been more along the lines of, “Yeah, you’re sober now, but you’ll probably end up being a junkie just like every other guy I’ve been with.” Which puts a lot of pressure on an undercover loser.

There are a few ways to look at why the girls you date are making this general assessment about you, but really, it says more about them, their history and issues, than it does about you. If you are turning up the charm and romance hardcore on a date, you might be throwing these jaded ladies for a loop. Not a lot of guys these days take the trouble to court women. She may be scared of falling for a guy who is just trying to get in her pants by pulling out all the stops. Some men are dicks who just treat a girl nice until she gives up the goodies. After encountering some of these creeps, women start to assume all men are creeps. While this isn’t fair, it might help you to understand why these girls are projecting their anger at men onto you. What these girl don’t realize is that in one foul mouth swoop they have managed to make you feel like you don’t stand a chance with them, and they have blasted you with pressure to maintain appearances and not let down your guard.

If you encounter this again, you should reassure the lass that you are not a creep. Let her know that you understand she might have been treated badly in the past, but that she is now only serving to push a good guy away. Hopefully pointing this out to her will shut her up. If she is just a pushy, insatiable, high-maintenance cunt, you will probably find out by her reaction to your reassurance, and you can move on.

Finally, if you move past the initial dating phase with a girl who was once treated shitty by a guy, and is now trying to let you treat her well, I advise you to go down on her with voracity and tell her that you will do this to her every single time she feels the urge to cum. Make sure she knows that you aren’t “just saying that.” If you follow my instructions, I promise you a lifetime of long lasting love—or at least good sex.
xxx
RevolvHER

In Revolver’s September issue, which hits newsstands on July 21, we interview DevilDriver vocalist Dez Fafara about his band’s new album, Pray for Villains (Roadrunner). For those of you who didn't get enough (or are too cheap to buy the magazine), here's the best of the rest of our wide-ranging chat.

REVOLVER How long did it take you to write this album?
DEZ FAFARA We wrote off and on while on tour. It took about two to three months to get the music together and sent to me, and then I had about a month and a half to write everything, which is not particularly the best. But it made me work under pressure.

What’s the writing process like for Devildriver?
They get together independently. Everybody in the band will be writing different stuff and then we come together to choose. Then they get together at our guitar player Mike [Spreitzer]’s house, and they demo everything and bring it to me. I decide what works and what doesn’t for DevilDriver. Then I start putting vocals to it and then they have a say so with what I’m doing, what they feel works. We just do a lot of pre-production on our album. So basically when we hit the studio there’s no more pre-production with the producer, like most bands.

Logan Mader produced Pray For Villains. How did that come about?
Well, I toured the world with him when he was in Machine Head and I was in Coal Chamber, so we were really good friends. It just seemed like a natural fit. He’s kind of got this Zen thing about him and I needed to work with someone like that this time around. With the last album we worked with Jason Zuckoff and he’s an extremely artistic guy but kind of off-the-wall a little bit, in a good way. I think Logan has got a total Zen thing about him. What he would bring to the project was focus and that’s what we needed.

What’s the story behind the album title?
It’s kind of like saying when everyone puts their faith in the sheriff in town with the white hat and gold badge and the shiny gun but then this guy in black comes in to just be a badass and take care of the situation sometimes. So it’s my name for the antihero. Sometimes the villain can be the hero and the hero can be the villain. You see it in a lot of stuff like Clint Eastwood Westerns. You don’t know that the bad guy is the good guy until the end when he works everything out.

Speaking of Clint Eastwood, I’ve heard that the album was inspired by your “love for Western films.” Can you tell me a little about that?
I love all of the Clint Eastwood Westerns, obviously. My favorite movie of all time is a movie called The Cowboys, with John Wayne where he takes a bunch of kids out on a cattle drive, which can be extremely dangerous.

Do you have a favorite Western actor? Clint Eastwood or John Wayne?
I like John but he slaps women and is fairly selfish and I don’t really dig that. I’m a Clint Eastwood guy but I think my favorite movie really is The Cowboys with John Wayne. It’s showing how early on these teens were growing up out on that range and there’s just something really raw about that.

So if you were to describe Pray For Villains as a Western film, which would it be?
It’d be Unforgiven because at the end he just comes in and takes care of business.

The album artwork for Pray For Villains features a black owl holding crossbones in its talons. Can you tell me the story behind the cover art?
That’s all me. We did the cross on the last three records and we decided it was time to deviate from that and bring a new icon in. I collect owls and they represent heroes and villains in many cultures. For me, it was the perfect icon to work with. I looked around my house and was like, This is perfect. It says hero and villain. It says wisdom and light. It says so many different things.

You’re doing a run through Europe playing both festivals and some smaller shows. Do you like the larger festival shows more, or do you prefer the smaller club shows?
It’s all good. I’d say anytime there’s a bottle of wine and mic I’m good. We’re doing club shows with Anthrax. We’re doing some off-dates with Slipknot. We’re doing festivals. It’s a strange dichotomy. Most of the time you go out on tour, it’s the same people playing every night and you do the same kind of venues at least, but this time it’s gonna be back and forth. One day you’ll be at Download in front of 100,000 people, then the next day maybe you’ll have maybe 2,000 kids at a club.

Speaking of Download, I know in 2007 you attempted the world’s largest circle pit for the Guinness Book of World Records. Will we see another attempt this year?
That’s just something real special and I’d love to have something like that happen at Download. They divide the crowd into two. So I dunno. Maybe we’ll try back-to-back circle pits. We’ll see.

What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to you on the road?
We almost died. We were in our RV and almost died. Going down a highway doing 65 in a snowstorm and the whole side of the RV just ripped off and opened up like a sail and swung into oncoming traffic. Luckily our driver swerved out of the way. A pole broke off the side and went through someone’s windshield behind us. It was a crazy ordeal. That shit is bound to happen when you’re on the road—tour buses jackknifing in the snow, almost going over the Alps. We were coming down through a valley near San Francisco and it was really steep—way too steep for the tour bus—and the brakes went out and we had to jump out of a moving bus. The bus driver tried to regain it. He did, luckily. I don’t know if this is funny, but in the end he shit his pants, actually. He was like, “Don’t tell anybody but I just shit my pants.” I mean, it was a terrifying situation. We all have wives and families and friends with us. Half an hour later you see us walking through the redwoods in complete dark for, like, an hour just walking out of the woods and here comes some girl in a truck with a baby in the front. She actually picked us up and drove us, like, 45 minutes to the next town. So if she’s reading this, thanks.

In our never-ending quest to give you, the reader, the best music available, we present the Revolver Bootleg series. Throughout each month, we’ll post cool, new tracks right here for you to hear before anyone else.

This installment is an exclusive stream of the song “Hard to See” by power-groove bruisers Five Finger Death Punch, off their forthcoming album, War is the Answer (Prospect Park), which doesn’t hit stores until this fall. So crank up your speakers, and read on to see what guitarist Zoltan Bathory has to say about the making of the song, what it means, and why it was chosen as the album's lead single.

REVOLVER What’s the song “Hard to See” about?
ZOLTAN BATHORY It's about seemingly irresolvable differences. It's valid in just about any setting: politics, religion, relationships… Everything is “only an opinion” based on limited information, yet people sometimes get attached to their point of views to the extreme…in fact, to the point they would launch wars over them.

Which part of it did you guys come up with first?
We always write complete songs before Ivan [Moody, vocals] gets them to write lyrics to. Almost like, a song has to be strong enough to stand on its own as an instrumental piece. In this case, too, we had the music completely done first.

Was this an easy song to write or record?
This one came together really fast. It was one of those “magical moments” when all the stars aligned. This came together within a day.

How did you decide where to place “Hard to See” on the album?
We actually don't have the final sequence yet, but I think the flow of the album is very important. We are looking at the vibe, the speed, the overall mood of every song when we are deciding the order. Listening to an album has to be a journey.

What sort of feedback have you gotten on this song so far?
It became our first single because everybody who heard it so far got really excited about this song.

Five Finger Death Punch, “Hard to See”

In our August issue we featured a brief interview with painter and illustrator Arik Roper—he of the High on Fire album covers, Pig Destroyer posters, and Lamb of God T-shirts—about his book, Mushroom Magick (Abrams). Here for your psychedelic pleasure is the rest of our chat.

REVOLVER How did you first become fascinated with mushrooms?
ARIK ROPER My mother used to collect and draw them. I was interested in how colorful and strange they were. They’re so interlaced with classic art and fantasy art that I'd end up drawing them before I was even aware of what they were.

How did the idea of doing a whole book about them come about?
I first met with a friend of a friend who's an editor at Abrams Books with the idea of working on some kind of a book. We started talking and she brought up the idea of doing a book about psychoactive mushrooms, not so much another field guide but an art book based on these mushrooms with some cultural and historic information in there. We weren't sure if the idea would get approved, but Abrams had recently published a book about pot culture so we thought there was chance they'd go for it. We developed the idea together, she proposed it, and they approved it. I was surprised how many people were into it; mushrooms seem to hold some fascination for a lot of people.

How many of the mushrooms in the book have you personally sampled or encountered?
There are close to 200 psilocybin containing mushrooms; in the book are about 90, plus some Amanitas. A lot of them are mega-obscure and you probably couldn't acquire them from your local dealer. A few are toxic. Some extremely rare ones that aren't even known to have any accounts of being consumed. Only a fraction are the ones that most of us actually ever see. The Liberty Caps, cubensis, Mexican, and Hawaiian ones are common to us for example . So I don't know, maybe 5 to 6 types of these I've tried; that's just a guess. Obviously this book isn't a field guide. You have to careful when you're harvesting mushrooms, otherwise you could end up sick or dead.

What’s been your worst ‘shroom trip/experience?
I've been pretty fortunate to not have had any experiences that were too bad. I've had some overwhelming times, but it usually passed and turned into something else. The times when it's been more difficult were usually because I didn't take enough.

Your best?
I was on an friend's private island off of Cape Cod with some friends; we had some mushrooms and walked around the island through all these incredible forests and micro environments, then went swimming in a lake while the sun was setting. Everything was a glowing golden color; I was floating in the water with birds circling over me. It was beyond idyllic. It was one of those legendary fantastic trips where everything comes alive and the world reveals itself to you. The setting is important and this was the best combination for such a thing, completely free of the psychic warfare you have to deal with in a city environment. That was perfect for a functional dose, but I've had some other times that were more visionary, where you just sit back and observe the visuals because that's all you can do.

Do you ever paint/create under the influence of ‘shrooms?
Yeah, mostly just free-form shapes and sketches. It's hard to get into detailed work during that state because my vision is too wavy, but what I have done tends to have a certain style to it. There's a hyper dimensionality to it, and the colors are intense. There's a common look to art created by different substances. I've learned some techniques from that particular state of mind; it's an organic textured thing that I draw which I attribute to the mushroom influence. I tried to capture some of the mushroom aesthetic in the art of the book, like the viewer is seeing these mushrooms while under the influence of them.

What do you hope that people get out of the book?
First of all, I hope people will appreciate it as an interesting art book, at the very least. It's for everyone—old people, kids, whoever likes timeless picture books. I don't want it to be exclusive to mushroom and drug enthusiasts. It's about a certain type of mushrooms, but it doesn't have to be limited to that.
I also wanted to present the mushrooms in a benevolent way and get away from the stigma of it being a “drug.” They're fungi and they’re just part of the world like the rest of us. Biologically, humans and fungi have a lot in common. There's no need to demonize them and think of them in the same way as addictive harsh drugs—the way the law depicts them. Second, in the text I stated that it's pretty damn strange that these things interact with our minds in such a way. Mainstream science has no idea how it actually happens that plants and fungi can open an animal's mind—they can barely even describe it because it's beyond their measurement. That says a lot, in my opinion, about the limits of our understanding of ourselves.

In our never-ending quest to give you, the reader, the best music available, we present the Revolver Bootleg series. Throughout each month, we’ll post cool, new tracks right here for you to hear before anyone else.

This installment is an exclusive stream of the song “A Selection Unnatural” by American death-metal stalwarts Black Dahlia Murder, off their forthcoming album, Deflorate (Metal Blade), which doesn’t hit stores until September 15. So crank up your speakers, and read on to see what vocalist Trevor Strnad has to say about the making of the song and why it may “baffle modern medicine for centuries to come.”

REVOLVER What’s the song about?
TREVOR STRNAD I was watching some crazy shit on birth defects on the health channel and I wanted to try to recreate the feelings of horror and repulsion that people react with when seeing these kinds of unfortunate images. “A Selection Unnatural” is meant to be a science-fiction shocker about the short life of a terribly deformed mutant of a child. From the moment he is born he is kept in labs and is regarded as a living medical marvel, poked and prodded by scientific minds wondering how such a being could come to be. How could such a thing occur in nature? Is he a human being like you and I? I was trying to find a balance between completely describing the creature and leaving a bit up to the imagination and let the listener decide exactly what it would look like. The person telling the story is meant to sound disgusted, a voice of sheer cruelty and indifference to the child’s life. He wonders what the boy’s purpose was on this earth, scoffing at his plight. The title is obviously a play on Darwin’s theory of natural selection.

Which part of the song did you guys come up with first? And what was the inspiration?
This song was written mostly by our bass player Bart [Williams] with arrangement help and a few additional riffs by Brian [Eschbach], who was the sole writer of the band in the past. When Bart showed us the first riff of the song, we were blown away. I was surprised at how fast and violent it sounded. Very technical. I think Bart having Necrophagist’s [2004 album] Epitaph glued into his car stereo might have something to do with it. When he handed over the bulk of the song to Brian, it really took on a new life. Brian has a knack for writing awesome transitions and arranging the verses and parts in an appealing way; this one is short and snappy but still gets hooked in your head. The Slayerish riff and the chorus riff are both Brian’s; I was actually present when he was writing the quick slam parts during the chorus—pretty tough! All in all I think it’s a ripping track and I like how the song dives right for the throat from the get-go and only let’s up for a second on the breaks.

Was this an easy song to write or record? Why or why not?
I can’t speak for the guys, but I imagine that this was one of the more difficult songs on the strings. There’s a good bit of technical playing here. The lyrics to the song came out pretty quickly once I figured out how to begin. The quick jump into the first verse took some getting used to, took a little practice, as it was something that new for me. I remember recording vocals on the demo at Brian’s house and him seeming pretty pleased with the outcome. This was one of the first songs I completed vocals for in the studio; it went pretty smoothly as it was one of the older songs that we demoed for the album. I had a lot of time to listen back and practice along with the rough tracks, so I was more than ready when the time arose.

How did you decide where to place the song on the album?
Picking the order of songs is a serious business when you are in the BDM. We thought instead of the third track being the slower/weird song—this is a pretty typical move: two raging tracks in a row and then slow it down on the third track—we’d pick up the pace even more. It’s such a fist-pumping song that we knew from it’s inception that it was going to be near the front of the album, part of the frontline assault! The Bart man should be proud of his contributions to the songwriting of this album. Fucking brutal stuff.

What sort of feedback have you gotten on this song so far?
“Wow, that sounds fast!” is what we've heard. [Producer] Jason Suecof took a liking to the line “baffle modern medicine for centuries to come!” and sang it back to me about 20-thousand times while we were working in the studio. Kind of a cheesy line, I'll admit, but apparently catchy.

The Black Dahlia Murder, “A Selection Unnatural”

Photo by Nathaniel Shannon

Building up to the July 21st release of Revolver's Suicide Silence issue—which will come in two, highly collectible editions with alternate covers featuring frontman Mitch Lucker (see below)—here's the second in RevolverMag.com's exclusive bi-weekly series of new Suicide Silence webisodes. In this one, the band get their body art photographed and between shots, share sharting stories.

For metalheads, summer means one thing above all—festival season. It’s time to load up the car, toss on a sleeveless T-shirt, and drive to the nearest amphitheatre to spend an entire day watching one band after another take the stage and rock your taint off with stops for stand-shopping, petition-signing, and beer-drinking throughout.

And yet, no matter how fun it is to be out amongst your metal brethren for an entire afternoon, it’s also unspeakably tiring and incredibly bizarre. After 12 hours of drinking, most people get strange and emotional—metalheads, however, can get irritable and volatile. So to keep some festival-goers from losing their cool or getting their Cradle of Filth thong panties in a bunch, here’s my Final Six list of the Six Summer Festival Do’s and Don’ts. Approach me at this summer’s Rockstar Mayhem Festival with a printed copy of this entry, and I’ll buy you a beer.

The Six Summer Festival Do’s:

1) Hydrate hydrate hydrate Between heat, movement, and alcohol consumption, the average body loses a ton of water, and fainting in the middle of a busy crowd is never helpful. Drink tons of water, all the time.
2) Get a running order Try to download and print a band schedule online; if not, ask around and map one out. Nothing’s worse than sitting through a mediocre metalcore set to find out you missed the impromptu Misfits reunion a hundred yards away.
3) Wear comfy shoes My first year at Wacken Open Air, I nearly missed Cannibal Corpse because my feet hurt so much. Get insoles, padded socks, the works.
4) Bring sunblock Fuck the forecast—better safe than sorry. Maybe it’s just because I’m Irish, but I cook like a steak at every festival I attend. Trust me—peeling skin ain’t hot.
5) Share your pot Now, don’t get me wrong, mooches await at every corner, but if you meet someone nice and they’re out of weed, give ’em a hit or two of yours. Sharing is caring, and it’s always better to be high with company.
6) Remember where you parked We’re…I think we’re in Section A…No, wait, this is way too close to the entrance…Damn it, why does everyone own a black Accord?

The Six Summer Festival Don’ts:

1) Get drunk immediately Jäger shots and Slayer go hand in hand, but it’s noon. Slayer go on at 10. Pace yourself. Otherwise, we get to smell your vomit cooking in the hot sun all afternoon.
2) Fall asleep in public If you’re that tired or drunk, go back to the car. If you fall asleep on a bench or in a ditch, you’re gonna pay for it—Sharpie, garbage, urine, you name it, it’ll be on you when you wake up.
3) Wear anything nice As good as your new corset or collar might look, it’ll probably end up covered in sweat, ketchup, blood, mud, beer, and ash by the time the day is through. A T-shirt and jeans should be enough.
4) Buy the first stuff you see Wow, isn’t this Behemoth shirt cool? God, I’m so glad I…Wait, that stand has this shirt, too! And for 12 bucks less?! Gee, guess I’m a complete and utter fucking moron, huh?
5) Hold it Look, I know the bathrooms look like the kind of place where G.G. Allin and Courtney Love would have sex, but your options at this point are that you’re either gonna be super-uncomfortable all day or you’re gonna crap your pants in public. (I’ve seen both happen.) Swallow your pride (and gorge) and just drop that deuce.
6) Whine Aw, you’re thirsty? Sunburned? Shitfaced by 2:30? Well, guess who has two thumbs and no sympathy whatsoever for your bitch ass? THIS GUY! SO PUT A SOCK IT, CLARENCE!

By Chris Krovatin