I went to see Japanese ambient-sludge-metal-whatever rockers Boris at New York’s Knitting Factory the other night. Eclectic by nature, the band played a steady stream of Sunn0)))-like drone, My Bloody Valentine–inspired shoegaze, and Motörheadbanging garage rock. And given the band’s trajectory from obscure, Wire-approved drone enthusiasts to hipster celebs du jour (thanks to a succession of releases including a collaboration with Michio Kurihara of Japanese avant-garde kling-klangers Ghost), the crowd included button-down-wearing sulkers rubbing shoulders with stinky, greasy Hessians.

The opening act was Brooklyn noise-rhythm duo Growing, but I wasn’t too into their electronics-heavy noise manipulations, so I checked out the merch table instead. (One commenter on Brooklyn Vegan who calls himself “Feedbacker,” which is the name of a Boris album and song, has since proposed the formula that “Boris + Growing = Boring,” but since I skipped half of that equation, maybe I enjoyed myself more.) Perusing the goods on offer, I found a Boris T-shirt sending up the old logo of Von (America’s first black-metal band, IMHO), but they didn’t have my size. I ended up buying the “Statement” 7-inch, the title track of which, I found out today, has a pretty cool video (watch it below).

When Boris took the stage, they flooded the audience with smoke, which was the perfect accompaniment for their dreamlike opening song, “Farewell,” which also opens their 2005 album, Pink. As the smoke cleared, I looked at the three members to find—surprise—there were four members: Ghost’s Kurihara had apparently come along for this tour, as he did on the tour for 2006’s Rainbow, on which he was a guest.

The band went through a set consisting mostly of songs from Pink and their forthcoming Smile. The only misstep in the set was “Floorshaker,” the B-side to the “Statement” 7-inch (the track “Statement” will also appear on Smile), which is essentially a disco song. While I have nothing against disco music in principle—or even against disco music mixing with metal (check out Revolting Cocks’ cover of Rod Stewart’s “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy” if you don’t agree)—Boris doing disco just sounded strained. They closed with Smile’s untitled 15-minute-plus closer, which transitions from beautiful to excruciating to excruciatingly beautiful within minutes, while drummer Atsuo jumped into the audience and crowdsurfed to the back and then to the front.

Many people I know have since said this show was better than when Boris came through with Kurihara the first time around, but I didn’t go to any of those shows, so I can’t vouch for that. I can say, however, that Boris were in top form. They just need to keep disco dead.

As the Revolver Photo Director, daughter of a gynecologist, and proud owner of a vagina, I feel more than qualified to offer up honest, raw, and unadulterated advice regarding all things related to sex, the female body, and relationships. So, all you metalhead freaks out there, please email me your most dire, dirty, sick, and twisted questions about women and the way we work, from our emotional hearts to our even more complicated parts. Girls are also welcome to fire off some questions; I'm sure the guys reading my blog would love to hear what's on your mind as well. Email me at revolvher@gmail.com




Dear RevolvHer,
I was going out with this girl for a month. She cheated on me and then broke up with me for some guy who just got out of prison on an arson charge. Then she broke up with him. She told me that she wants to get back together with me and some other stuff along those lines. She then began dating a friend of mine and now has moved on to a new guy! I really care about her and stuff, she's one of my best friends, but I just don't know what to think anymore when it comes to her. Should I keep waiting and just bide my time, or just walk away from everything and find someone else. Thanks!
—Kap'n B

Hey Kap’n B
Darlin’, darlin’, darlin’, what do you want with a girl who cheats on you—and then dumps you for a dude who just got out of lockup, for arson no less? Chances are she probably has some major low-self-esteem issues. She might not feel worthy of your love, and thus keeps making sure to fuck up and fuck around in order to push you away. That is what some girls do when they are scared of intimacy or don’t recognize their self-worth. You can keep waiting around for her to get it together and recognize your worth, or you can avoid a bad case of heartache and perhaps the crabs by heeding the advice of the very un-metal Oprah: “When you see crazy coming, shut the door!”
xxx
RevolvHer

Dear RevolvHer,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 5 months now, and she has allowed me to finger her, however I'm only allowed to do so over the jeans. (WTF?) Anytime I try to do anything more, she puts on the brakes. I don’t know if she doesn't trust me or what the deal is. What do you think? All I know is, she gets satisfied and I'm left camping on Mt. Blueballs.
Signed,
Ian

Hi Ian,
Mt. Blueballs sounds like hell on earth, although watching it erupt is pretty fabulous! I can’t relate to your man pain, but having once upon a time been a young girl who didn’t allow a boy to do much more than grope my lady bits over my jeans, I can empathize with your girlfriend’s situation and hopefully help you out. There are many reasons why your girl might not be letting you advance into her pants and beyond. She could be terrified of the pain involved with losing her virginity. Or perhaps she is scared that she doesn’t know what she’s doing and that she will make a fool out of herself fumbling around with your junk. She could have been brainwashed by religious zealots or by a strict father. For example, to keep me from having sex before I was ready, my dad started telling me that if I let boys with dirty penises have sex with me I would get HPV, which could lead to cervical cancer, and then I would have to have my uterus removed! Fear is a major motivator for most of the clenched thighs out there, and I kept mine clenched until I realized that there are precautions one can take against contracting such STDs. As you can see, the issues a girl can have when it comes to sex are endless!! So how do you get in there, you ask? You need to be patient and talk to her about what she is feeling, and how she can help meet your sexual needs at a pace she is comfortable with, ‘cause groping is a two-way street. Ah, you’ve heard this here before: Communication is the key to getting a woman out of her panties. We love to feel safe and understood. This doesn’t mean that you should manipulate her into doing anything below the belt if you don’t plan on being there with a canteen of water after she climbs Mt. Blueballs. Be honest and respect her boundaries. If she wants to move slower than you had planned, move on to a girl who is more open, no pun intended.
xxx
RevolvHer

Last week I saw the always-impressive Henry Rollins do a spoken-word show at Brooklyn’s Warsaw. If you’ve never seen the former Black Flag vocalist/Rollins Band leader do one of these, basically he gets onstage, wraps the mic cord around his hand, and proceeds to pummel the audience with funny, tragic, and often tragically funny anecdotes about life, liberty, and the pursuit of rock. This might be the tenth time or so I’ve seen him do a spoken-word show over the years, and this was one of the best.

After grabbing some pierogies and kielbasa, one of the many delights of seeing him at a Polish rec hall, we found our seats just as he found his soapbox. Incidentally, as liberal as he is politically, Rollins never once told us who to vote for or what to believe—it’s almost humbling how accepting he is of everyone’s viewpoints. His rants ranged from the “unwashed humanity” of touring with Black Flag to the “wop bop bozey bop” nonsense scat-talk of David Lee Roth (and of course that of George Bush).

Some interesting things struck me, as they always do. For one, no matter how much traveling I’ve done, I’ll never match this guy. When Rollins picks a vacation he goes to…hmmm…Islamabad, Pakistan. He told a long story about being there in December when Pakistan’s former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto was assassinated, and how a young man told him that he, personally, needed to tell Mr. Bush not to be friends with Pakistan’s President Pervez Musharraf. On another occasion, when Rollins was in Sweden, an Iraqi cab driver told him the biggest problem he had with America was Paul Bremer, the dude who dissolved Iraq’s Ba’athist party. The way Rollins illustrated this was by imagining Belgians getting on a boat, docking in Manhattan, and telling us they were “liberating” us, that our government was fired, and that they’d be here for a while. The Iraqi people must feel humiliated. One of Rollins’ great qualities is to show the humanity of a nation that has been painted as faceless in American media. As I said before, Rollins didn’t preach, though. He said he didn’t care whom we voted for, just as long as we voted. He also said that in the remaining months of Bush’s presidency, he’s going to just enjoy the stupid things he says, like this:

(Just to be clear, at the time of this writing, former South African President Nelson Mandela is very much alive at the venerable age of 89.) Rollins also talked about visiting Robben Island, South Africa, which contains the cell where Mandela was incarcerated for 18 years by the racist Apartheid government. While down there, Rollins filmed a documentary for the cable channel IFC that should air, according to him, “sometime.”

Of course Rollins talked about music, too, his funniest story being his excursion to see “the Van Halen.” (“You have to be very careful how you ask someone if they like Van Halen,” he said, as so many people object to the campy ’80s chart toppers, though he himself is a fan. His recommended opener: “’What do you think of the Van Halen?’”) He had met David Lee Roth at an exhibition of artist and Black Flag logo designer Raymond Pettibone’s work in the ’80s, and Roth remembered Rollins and got him last-minute tickets to the concert. He said the scariest thing about the show was seeing the massive audience chomping on their plastic-like cheese-coated arena nachos. Van Halen fans would do well in Iraq, Rollins suggested. He also told a poignant story about singing with British punks the Ruts, knowing that guitarist Paul Fox had cancer and would die. The way Rollins intertwines humor and pathos is unparalleled—and is what separates him from your average standup comics.

At the show, I picked up volume 2 of Rollins’ book Fanatic! These are his collected lists and liner notes from his radio show on Los Angeles–area radio station Indie 103.1. Rollins has excellent taste, and even if his writing chops aren’t quite up to Lester Bangs’ level, his prose is still entertaining and persuasive. I mean, he argues that Black Sabbath’s Bill Ward–sung “It’s Alright,” off 1976’s spotty-at-best Technical Ecstasy is one of their best songs—and now I’m starting to reconsider it myself. I always thought of it as Black Sabbath’s bid to match Kiss with their drummer-sung 1976 calm-down-honey-I-still-love-you ballad “Beth.” Rollins is right, though: “It’s Alright” is all right. (Although I still have no idea what the fuck the lyrics are about.) In any case, check Revolver’s tour page and see if Rollins is coming to a town near you. Trust me, it’s worth it.

1/29/08 Salt Lake City, Utah


We’re out of the gutter and back in the gold…well, not so much gold, but we’re playing fucking shows again and that’s good enough for us!! After the horrible cancelation in Spokane, Washington, we made it to the next show in Boise, Idaho. Unfortunately Job for a Cowboy still had problems fixing their van and trailer after wrecking in a ditch, and couldn’t make the show. Thanks to everyone in Boise for a killer show!! A special hail to the dudes in the Knights of Valhalla!!! Great to meet you, brothers!

Old man winter has finally started to take his toll on us. I woke up in the back bunk of our stink-wagon with my pillow literally frozen to the window, and we collectively woke up sick. Vocalist Chance Garnett is particularly fucked up so we scheduled an impromptu doctor visit to get him meds. Evidently his own herbal treatments were not cutting it! It turns out that he has the flu—though luckily not the shitting-your-pants, puking-yourself strain. We also learned that there is a new test where the doctor jams a long stick up your fucking nose until he touches your brain, runs a couple of tests on said stick, and then determines whether or not you have the flu. It was a great day for Chance! Regardless, we ended up having a killer show in Salt Lake City.

Unfortunately I have to sign off to do some bullshit. I realize that this post is a bit lackluster so I’ll end it with some ridiculous Skeletonwitch tour photos that are entirely irrelevant.

Have you ever seen that YouTube video of Lamb of God getting into fisticuffs? That’s pussy shit!

Little known fact about Skeletonwitch: We love kitties, and they love our merch!

Fuck this!!!! Nate gets tired of driving the van and finds a new ride.

Nate and black-metal maven Blake from Nachtmystium. This ruins Blake’s credibility on so many levels. To name just a few: Blake is actually out in the daylight! (Daylight is not necro-grim!) Secondly, he’s only holding those cigarettes to look cool. (We love you Blake!!)

This is what the doctor prescribed for Chance’s flu. Notice how stoked he is about the treatment.

Scunty prefers the indoor course—and lots of whiskey!

Mullet Chad’s amazing hair…seamlessly blending emo and crust-punk. Rawk!!

Sunday 1/27/08 in the p.m. (in Kennewick, WA)

We’re 11 hours into a seven-hour drive and have stopped in a Wal-Mart parking lot to assess our situation. It has become obvious that we will not be making the show in Spokane, Washington, tonight. Fuck!!! Even if we continue driving, our breakneck speed of 13 mph would place our time of arrival well after the show is scheduled to be over. We were so fucking stoked on how well things were going and now this bullshit! Touring is often like this…one foot in the gold and one in the gutter. Haha!

"We may not get there in time, but we’ll get there in one piece."

I just received a call from the Job for a Cowboy camp. They drove into a ditch and fucked up a couple of their tires. No way in hell they’re going to make the show either. At least those little shit-asses are all OK. They have a sense of humor and don’t mind when we fuck with them and call them shit-asses. Touring with Skeletonwitch must be awful, given the amount of shit we heap onto everyone nice enough to take us on the road.

Our sincere apologies to everyone in Spokane for missing the show!! We will be back as soon as possible. Oh, and fuck the Red Chord for driving straight through the night and actually making it to the show. Damn you guys!

This is what I looked at all day:

"Very encouraging!"

At least the day has ended on a good note: I just received confirmation that we’re doing a full European tour with Hate Eternal and Cephalic Carnage in May! Fuck yes!!!

As the Revolver Photo Director, daughter of a gynecologist, and proud owner of a vagina, I feel more than qualified to offer up honest, raw, and unadulterated advice regarding all things related to sex, the female body, and relationships. So, all you metalhead freaks out there, please email me your most dire, dirty, sick, and twisted questions about women and the way we work, from our emotional hearts to our even more complicated parts. Girls are also welcome to fire off some questions; I'm sure the guys reading my blog would love to hear what's on your mind as well...email me at revolvher@gmail.com


Dear RevolvHer,
I’ve been lonely the past couple of months and started to get a little bit fed up with “normal” masturbation. So one night I got down on all fours in my closet with a few choice pictures set up in front of me. Now, instead of moving my hand back and forth like “normal masturbation,” I decided to hump my hand so it would seem more like doggy-style sex. Unfortunately, about nine-tenths of the way through, my brother walked in on me. The look on his face was startling. Then he started laughing, and he really hasn’t stopped for about a week and a half now. I mean, every time I see him or one of his buddies, they just flat-out laugh and don’t stop laughing until two or three minutes after I’ve left the room. I can’t hang out with them anymore, which is too bad because I met a lot of girls hanging with them. I just don’t know what to do. I need some advice on an initial step I should take to help me rebuild this awful mess. And tips on how to pick up a nice girl at a coffee shop or better yet, a stripper. That would be fantastic. It would really stick it in my brother’s craw if I got with a stripper; he’s always wanted to pick one up. So please, can you shed some light for me on how I can gain some leverage in this sticky, messy, gooey situation? I can’t take the “come out of the closet” jokes anymore. Thank you.
—PwnyTale

Dear PwnyTale,
I totally feel for your situation. Being bored with masturbation is a plight I fight with regularly. I think you came up with a pretty awesome way to make your self-gratification more creative. What you did in no way marks you as a sexual deviant, believe me; I definitely know a sexual deviant when I see one. Looking at dirty pictures in a closet while fucking your hand and pretending it’s a girl who’s bent over is pretty much just a logical variation on what most dudes are busy doing all the time. It just sucks that your brother happened to walk in on you at the most awkward and orgasmic moment ever. Now you have to deal with the aftermath of homophobic masturbation jokes. The best way to handle this situation is to ignore him and his friends when they’re teasing you. Every time they get a reaction from you, it fuels their homophobic fire, so don’t let them know they’re getting your goat. Try not to react, as hard as that sounds. Just keep going about your business, knowing that you are not a deviant and that you have nothing to prove to them or anyone. Eventually they’ll forget about it and move on.

In response to your desire to date a stripper in order to “stick it in your brother’s craw,” let me offer you some sage advice: Steer clear of girls who work the pole. While they are, in general, hot, and can sometimes be awesome and smart as well, they are basically women who use their sexuality to manipulate men out of money. Is that really what you’re looking for in a girlfriend? In the long run, fucking a random stripper in order to get back at your asshole brother is not going to make you a fulfilled and happy human being. Instead, try finding a regular hot girl at your school (maybe the head cheerleader or something) who you can do doggy-style in the closet. Then figure out a way to orchestrate it so that your brother walks in on you mid-closet-coitus! That should shut him the fuck up.
xxx
RevolvHer


Dear RevolvHer,
So, my husband of almost 5 years and I have had a few threesomes with another girl. I love it and so does he, obviously. Well, just recently I have wanted to have a threesome with another guy. I am not really sure how to bring this up to my husband. I mean, should I just come out and say it, or what? Just looking for any suggestions on how to bring the question up. If you could help me out, that would be awesome. Thanks!
—Lacey

Dear Lacey,
It’s only natural that, having already welcomed women into your inner sanctum to satisfy your threesome fantasy, you would now want to try it with a dude. That’s a totally hot fantasy that most women have thought about. Trouble is, a lot of men have major hangups about doing stuff with other men because of the homosexual stigma attached to it. But who knows, your husband may be completely comfortable with his game, so it is at least worth asking. You have nothing to lose, unless of course the MMF threesome wreaks havoc on your relationship—which is a whole different issue entirely. The best way to make a man agree to do something sexual that he might not think he wants to do is to suggest it in a way that gets him hot and bothered and all worked up. When you are in bed together one night, start talking to him about your sexual fantasy of having sex with him and another man. Describe the scenario that you envision as graphically and sexually as you possibly can. Get your man aroused by the notion of you getting it on with the him and another dude and next thing you know, your wish will most likely be granted. Just remember if this does happen, you must write me a very detailed and dirty account of the entire encounter!
xxx
RevolvHer

I don’t think it’s an accident that the acronym for Valentine’s Day is V.D. Like love itself, which has a painful, poisonous, and sometimes pus-oozing dark side, so February 14—the 24-hour period designated by whatever sadistic fuckers control this sort of shit as the day we celebrate amore—has a pitch-black underbelly. Just ask anyone who’s been alone on Valentine’s Day, or in a shitty relationship on Valentine’s Day, or, yes, contracted the V.D. on Valentine’s Day. Metal has always reveled in the dark side of life, so it only makes sense that on this date when everyone else is buying each other—or, in those particularly sad cases, themselves—roses and chocolate, we should celebrate the dark side of love. And here are six kickass songs that do just that.

Pantera: “This Love”
If the song “Fucking Hostile” didn’t already tip you off, ladies, the next tune on Pantera’s magnum opus, Vulgar Display of Power, should make it clear that Phil Anselmo is not someone you want to be cuddling up to.
Sample lyrics: “If ever words were spoken/Painful and untrue/I said I loved you but I lied.”

Type O Negative: “Unsuccessfully Coping With the Natural Beauty of Infidelity”
Before Pete Steele and his Brooklyn crew started courting the goth-chick demographic with albums like Bloody Kisses and October Rust, they were slapping the black lipstick right off unfaithful female friends with an album called Slow, Deep, Hard, on which you’ll find this particularly disgruntled number.
Sample lyrics: “You went to L’amour Saturday night/Red nails and lipstick, dressed two sizes too tight/His tongue down your throat/His hand up your skirt/Yeah, I’m a man/But it still hurts/Slut!/Whore!/C*nt!/I know you're fucking someone else (He knows you're fucking someone else).”

Megadeth: “Loved to Deth”
He’d just been dumped by the ultimate mistress, Metallica, when Dave Mustaine penned this track from Megadeth’s debut, Killing Is My Business…, so who could blame him for a little bitterness. Or, in the case of this song, and the case of poor Dave himself, a whole fucking lot of bitterness.
Sample lyrics: “I loved you to deth/If I can’t have you/Than no one will/And since I won’t/I’ll have to kill/My only love.”

Soilent Green: “She Cheated on You Twice”
Our soon-to-be ex-president George W. once said, “Fool me once, shame on…shame on you. Fool me…you can’t get fooled again.” If only that were true, Soilent Green wouldn’t have had the material to write this bile-soaked anthem about gettin' two-timed two times.
Sample lyrics: “She wanted to be mine /But she lost her mind /This bitter taste of remorse /This love, a lost cause.”

Guns N’ Roses: “Used to Love Her”
What metal group hasn’t written a song about offing a significant other? (If your band hasn’t yet, get on it.) But most of those tunes have obviously been just elaborate fantasies purging feelings of rejection, betrayal, etc. Then an actually crazy dude like Axl—who beat up his onetime girlfriend, model Stephanie fucking Seymour—sings a song about it, and somehow it sounds just a little less outside of the realm of possibility.
Sample lyrics: “I used to love her, but I had to kill her/She bitched so much/She drove me nuts /And now I'm happier this way.”

Cannibal Corpse: “Fucked With a Knife”
Actually, this one is a love song. My bad.
Sample lyrics: “Tied tight to the bed/Legs spread open/Bruised flesh, lacerations/Skin stained with blood/I'm the only one you love/I feel her heart beating/my knife deep inside/Her crotch is bleeding.”

I’ll be the first to say it: I’m old school. (I won’t mention my age, but let’s just say I saw Iron Maiden play Radio City Music Hall—on the Powerslave tour—and leave it at that.) So of course I grew up with Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Kiss—the granddaddies and great-granddaddies of today’s hard rock. Don’t get me wrong—I love the new shit, too. It’s just that, for me, it doesn’t get better than that classic hard-rock sound of heavy blues-based riffs, trippy solos, and stoned-out drumming.

Which is why I was ecstatic when, two years ago, a friend of mine handed me the self-titled debut by Witch, the new project by Dinosaur Jr founding guitarist J Mascis and his cronies. (Although Mascis has laid down his ax in the new band, returning with a vengeance to his first instrumental love, the drums.) With its slow and heavy sound and songs about black-magic practitioners, the disc was speaking my language, and it blew me away. But while Witch’s Sabbathian riffs and fuzzed-up freakouts are clearly rooted in the blues-drenched metal I love so much, there is undeniably a contemporary edge as well. Witch is lo-fi stoner rock for the iPod era, and it gave me renewed faith that the old and the new can co-exist—good news for a geezer like myself.

So it was with a mixture of excitement and trepidation that I received an advance copy of the follow-up, Paralyzed (Tee Pee; due March 18), here at Revolver HQ the other day. You all know the feeling: When a band has blown you away once, you hope they’re going to top themselves while at the same time you have that sinking feeling that the new disc is gonna suck.

I’m happy to report that Witch continue their dark conjurations on the new disc, though their sound has definitely evolved. Overall the album is faster and more hardcore than the debut. Gone is much of the contemplative, introspective sludgery; instead we have needle-sharp solos and confident, fast-paced riffs. Still in place are Kyle Thomas’ earnest, impassioned vocals, even if at times he sounds almost winded trying to keep up with Mascis’ speed-demon drumwork (one track is appropriately titled “1000 MPH”). The band feels tighter and more comfortable playing to one another’s strengths, and the result is a fast, frenetic, but controlled slab of madness. The second track, "Gone," in particular, highlights the band’s persona after two albums together, laying down a devilishly catchy mid-tempo blues hook while Thomas, as always, sings his heart out as if urging a circle of pointy-hatted fellow worshipers to raise their brooms in tribute.

We’ll be covering Witch in much greater detail in the June issue of Revolver (on sale in late April), so I won’t say any more just now, but rest assured, Paralyzed is a worthy example of Witch’s craft, and deserves a place on the shelf of any metalhead—old school or new.


Download "Gone" from Paralyzed here.

As the Revolver Photo Director, daughter of a gynecologist, and proud owner of a vagina, I feel more than qualified to offer up honest, raw, and unadulterated adviceregarding all things related to sex, the female body, and relationships. So, all you metalhead freaks out there, please email me your most dire, dirty, sick, and twisted questions about women and the way we work, from our emotional hearts to our even more complicated parts to: revolvher@gmail.com

Dear RevolvHer,

What percent of females do you think like it when their man puts their thumb in the "brown eye" while doing it "doggy style"? And how does one go about getting a girl to let you do this?
—Jimbob

Dear Jimbob,

I am not going to be able to give you actual percentages, because I failed my statistics class in regular college and was forced to switch to Art School, hence my current job churning out photos for Revolver. But what I can tell you is that most women, when they feel super turned on, the right metal riff is playing in the background, and you get their juices flowing, will let you do many things to them, including putting your thumb in their “brown eye.” While some women might be terrified of this at first, because they think it is going to hurt or that it is unclean, what they might not know is the pleasure that it can bring them when it is done by someone who is gentle, caring, and who is also managing to stimulate the clitoris simultaneously.

Doing all of this in the “doggy style” position is a bit tricky for a guy with two hands who is busy trying to get himself off. Hopefully you are with a girl who knows her body pretty well and can help you out by rubbing her own clit while you are going at it. The finger in the ass during sex can lead a woman to an eye-rolling orgasm, so go for it! Just make sure your nails are trimmed, that you communicate with your partner about what you are doing before you do it to put any of her fears at ease and to make her comfortable, and always wash your finger or whatever apparatus you use before using it in her vagina, in order avoid spreading bacteria. And, most importantly, be sure to respect your girl’s right to object to having anything in her ass! Some women are just not into it.

xxx
RevolvHer

Hey RevolvHer

Signed,
Single in Philly

Hey Philly,

I hear a lot of sensitivity in your email, and it touches me in my core. I dig dudes like you. I wish I knew of some hot sensitive rocker chicks in Philly besides the Heavy Metal Hooker Roller Derby girls that we photographed who I could set you up with—they were a bit…aggressive.

But I digress. You need to just chill. Basically, you are going to be fine. You need to focus on yourself, start doing some martial arts or something to get some self-confidence and endorphins going. The benefit of that is that it will get your focus off of sex and meeting women and onto yourself. As soon as you are working on yourself women will find you irresistible; we love a man who seems disinterested in us. Sad but true.

As for your virginity, I know plenty of older women who would be totally turned on to have sex with a virgin! Just be patient and make sure to keep yourself open to finding love. Remember that sometimes opposites attract and that just because a girl is not into metal doesn’t mean you can’t fall for her or vice versa! Try to not be too intense when you meet a girl, and just let things unfold naturally, and don’t be too judgmental. If you are still a virgin in six months, let me know and I will call one of the Heavy Metal Hooker Derby girls and see what we can work out…

xxx
RevolvHer

Dear RevolvHer,

My girlfriend literally JUST dumped me. Just now, like 5 minutes ago. Well, supposedly it all started last summer. She says she been having dreams of her ex. She just told me about this. A local kid just died from a methadone overdose, and she's been running into her ex a lot, because of the funeral and get-togethers in memory of the kid. She says she just needs time to think about what she really wants. I don’t want to lose her, and I want to give her the time she needs. I’m afraid she'll never come back. What should I do?
—Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Your girlfriend has just gone through a major loss and is sharing her pain with her ex-boyfriend. The main reason she is sharing her pain with her ex-boyfriend is because they were both close to the kid who died and have a shared memory of him. She is identifying with her ex rather than with you, and it is making her feel closer to him for the time being. This is causing you to feel left out and hurt. This is all totally understandable. The only way to handle a situation like this is to let her go and let her mourn the loss of her friend on the shoulder of her ex regardless of how much you want to make her come back to you. You can’t make anyone love you. If she really loves you she will come back around; if she doesn’t it was probably meant to be this way and time will help you to move on and find someone else. The old clichés are mostly true when it comes to love, even though it sucks. If she is only identifying with her ex because of their shared loss, then time will tell. Good luck, rocker.

xxx
RevolvHer

Dear RevolvHer,

Howdy. So I've got a question concerning the female anatomy. Why do some chicks’ pussies stink even if they have just showered and dried, and why does cunnilingus make my throat dry? Shouldn't they produce natural lubricant during oral stimulation of the clitoris and labia? What can I do to get rid of the pussy stink on my fingers after manual stimulation of the clitoris? Hope to get some answers!
—R

Dear R,

Based on your question, I really wonder if you even know what a vagina smells like. I will answer anyway in the off chance this is serious and that you really do like pussy.

If a vagina smells abnormal or less then fresh—which, of course, all depends on what you think is fresh, then there is one of three problems:
1) You and the woman have no chemistry and you are turned off by her natural pheromones or odor.
2) The woman has a yeast infection.
3) The woman has a bacterial infection.

In the first case, I can’t diagnose a lack of chemistry, but I can tell you that it happens. Sometimes people are just chemically mismatched and their personal odor can turn you off, regardless of how clean they are. In the case of the second problem, the woman would have other symptoms that would cause her some distress and would most likely know there is a problem. If she is suffering from a bacterial infection she might not be aware there is a problem. A lot of times the only symptom of a bacterial infection is a foul odor or discharge. Most women are very aware of their own smell and know when it is off. If you feel that it is definitely not right, and you feel that you’re comfortable enough with her to talk to her about in a sensitive manner, you can bring it up. But, by the way you proposed your question to me, it really makes me think that you haven’t had a lot of cunnilingus and that you wouldn’t be the most sensitive guy to raise the issue of health concerns about vaginal odor with a woman. Telling a woman her “pussy stinks” can bruise her for a long time. Maybe you need to try out some other pussy to make sure that the issue isn’t actually you before you rate her odor as “stinky.” Also, anytime you are exerting your mouth—to talk or sing or so forth—you will get a dry throat, so it makes sense that cunnilingus would also lend itself to that problem. Drink some water before you go downtown. And if your girl isn’t getting wet when you are going down on her, you might not be doing such a good job! Oh, and wash your hands, fucker!

xxx
RevolvHer