As a proud owner of a vagina, and daughter of a gynecologist, I feel more than qualified to offer up honest, raw, and unadulterated advice regarding all things related to sex, the human body, and relationships. So, all you metalhead freaks out there, please email me your most dire, dirty, sick, and twisted questions about women and the way we work, from our emotional hearts to our even more complicated parts. Email me at RevolvHer@gmail.com and follow me at @revolvher666.

My girl and I are gonna have sex pretty soon. But, she's got braces. Is it safe if she gives me head? Revolver rocks by the way.

Alonzo

Dear Alonzo,
This is a magnificent question, mainly because it has nothing to do with anal sex. I am happy to hear that you and your lady are going to have sex soon, but I am even happier to hear that you are going to start with some good ol’ fashioned blow jobs. I have no idea how old you are or how experienced you are, but I always think it is best to stall on the sex for a bit and go slow. It’s good for a couple to spend time exploring each other’s bodies before embarking on intercourse. When you eventually do the deed, I hope you do so with a rubber or some method of birth control. So, now that I am done with my birth control mantra, I will tackle your problem.

Your girl has a mouth full of metal, but you still want her to “put it in her mouth.” It’s quite simple, she just needs to cover her teeth with her lips when she goes down. If she can do this, you are golden. If not, you might be in a world of pain. Actually, all the girls reading this blog should take note and cover their teeth with their lips when giving head, braces or no braces! Teeth and cocks don’t mix. If you feel that you’re girl just isn’t catching on, and her wires are still grazing your schlong, you should have her email me for further BJ instructions.

I should also serve my female sexpert duty and instruct you to reciprocate her blowjob by going down on her. One good turn deserves another. If you happen to also have a mouth full of metal, try to keep your teeth out of the equation and read this instructional I wrote about a year ago, it might come in handy.

Next week I will be posting my sort of annual “Hottest Men in Metal” list in response to Revolver’s “Hottest Chicks in Metal” issue. If anyone wants to nominate a sexy rocker…feel free to send me some suggestions.

XXX
RevolvHER

In the final part of our interview with the 69 Eyes’ Jyrki 69, the frontman tells Revolver about his hopes for new album, Back in Blood (The End).

What memory sticks out from your time in the studio working on Back in Blood?
Despite the California sun outside, we kept the studio dark all the time and we had horror movies rolling continuously on the studio’s TV to create the perfect atmosphere for a vampire rock album’s recording sessions! We watched some three to four movies every night. It turned out to be pretty addictive, I became a horror junkie: Even now I still have to see some two to three horror movies in a week, I’ll try to slow it down in to one movie per week soon.

Back in Blood seems to have a more powerful, in-your-face sound than your previous albums, do you think that will attract a whole new set of fans?
It’s time to rock for both old and new fans! We already got a song from it, “We Own the Night,” as bonus on the soundtrack of Saw VI, so I guess it’s already happening!

To read part one of our interview, click here; for the second, click here; for the third, click here. For the opportunity to win a 69 Eyes prize pack, click here.

Photo by Ville Akseli Juurikkala

Back in Blood (The End), the new album from Finnish goth punks the 69 Eyes, finds the band working with producer Matt Hyde (Slayer, Rob Zombie) for the first time. In this third installment of our four-part interview, frontman Jyrki 69 discusses working on the record.

REVOLVER Why did you choose to work with producer Matt Hyde?
JYRKI 69 Naturally, his C.V. was impressive with Slayer and Monster Magnet, even Ian Astbury’s Holy Barbarians. Many of our favorite artists had worked with him. He seemed to understand immediately what the 69 Eyes were about and had a clear vision in which direction the new album should go. Working with Dave Wyndorf, he was also a comic and horror movie freak, too, which was naturally very important for me when trying to share the dreams and nightmares.

What ideas did he bring to the table?
He wanted the band to rock like we do and sound live…no extra keyboards or programming, and in the classic rock way, more AC/DC, Zeppelin, and Steppenwolf—more guitars, more drums, and more screaming! Sounded perfect for us!

How was the recording process different on this album, compared with your previous records?
Since it was done in Los Angeles, it was very different. We’ve done all our previous eight albums in Helsinki, Finland, which means that we’ve always stayed at our homes and hung out our regular bars, etc. We wanted to get rid of that comfortable zone and throw ourselves straight into recording and nothing else. It could have happened anywhere else but the fact that it happened in L.A. of course got it more exciting and one of those rock-and-roll dream kind of things come true.

To read part one of our interview, click here; for the second, click here. For the opportunity to win a 69 Eyes prize pack, click here.

Photo by Ville Akseli Juurikkala

Chris Krovatin is the author of the young-adult novels Heavy Metal & You and Venomous, as well as Revolvermag.com's “Final Six” blog. The latter book was the inspiration for Deadlocke, a one-shot published by Dark Horse Comics. His love of Slayer borders on the unhealthy, and, on occasion, the insane.

World Painted Blood, Slayer’s 11th full-length record, and the second since the return of the original Slayer lineup, is an exercise in looking inward. Each of the 11 tracks seem to be, musically and thematically, about nothing so much as Slayer. Where 2006’s Christ Illusion, their last album, sometimes smacked of a band trying too hard, World Painted Blood sounds comfortable. Tom Araya’s vocals sound earnest; he means what he’s screaming. Jeff Hanneman’s furious guitar tone rips through the faster numbers, but remains strong and unyielding during the album’s more dulcet moments. Dave Lombardo’s drumming sounds incredibly human in its own pummeling way. But in the end, this is guitarist Kerry King’s album—World Painted Blood’s introspective mix of furious rage and chilling atmospherics are King’s signature style, and his influence is splattered all over the record.

Nowhere is World Painted Blood’s self-awareness more prevalent than on the title track, which opens the record. The feedback and reversed vocals of the intro are pure Slayer, and the charging apocalyptic rhythm wastes no time in getting the listener in a Slaytanic mood. The guitar solo in the middle of the song is barely even a lead, more the awesome amalgam of the whinnies and crunches that Slayer solos are famous for. And Araya’s slow, menacing rant seems to embody everything Slayer songs are about—Satan, sin, insanity, warfare, rebellion—and is as creepy and apocalyptic as the rant that closes “Mandatory Suicide” from 1988’s South of Heaven.

The rest of the album follows suit. Thrasher-smashers “Unit 731” and “Public Display of Dismemberment” are as violent as the hideous crimes they detail, and “Snuff” and “Not of This God” use strange vocal patterns and epic lyrical themes to bring the listener right alongside the band on their journey through the end of the world. “Beauty Through Order” and “Playing With Dolls” are eerie doom machines that employ some of the band’s most original guitar and drum work to date. “Hate Worldwide,” meanwhile, seems to be a Slayer battle cry, and, as such, overflows with fist-pumping metal reverence. And though the album has its problems—“Americon” could have better lyrics, and “Human Strain” sounds like it was written for Slipknot—there’s cohesive vision that runs throughout the entire record that makes these errors easily forgivable.

Kerry King has often stated publicly that Slayer will not simply keep playing forever—sooner or later, the band will be over. If so, this would be an awesome album to end a career on (not that this reporter wants it to be the last Slayer album, simply that he would be OK with that). Gruesome yet thoughtful, furious yet intelligent, World Painted Blood is an overall triumph from a band that many write off as over the hill.

Revolver also reviewed World Painted Blood in our November issue, limited quantities of which are still available here. Our “Book of Slayer” special issue, which features a hidden zombie-fied photo of Chris Krovatin (if you can find him), is available here.

The 69 Eyes have lovingly embraced the horror genre in their goth punk for almost two decades. With new album Back in Blood (The End), however, the group embraces the world of the undead, and specifically vampires, like never before. Frontman Jyrki 69 fills us in on his passion for blood for this, the second part of our 69 Eyes interview.

REVOLVER Your current album, Back in Blood, includes a lot of songs about vampires. How long have you had the idea for a vampire-themed record?
JYRKI 69 It’s always been all about vampires with the 69 Eyes. Ever since our very first recordings, I’ve written about vampires, zombies, and rock-and-roll sleaze. I wouldn’t call myself a vampire “fan” anymore, though. I see myself more like on the other side; I’m creating the mythos. As I wrote the lyrics for a couple of the early demo songs for this album, I noticed that all my ideas were circling around vampires and horror movies. Instead of trying to come up with something else for a change, I thought to continue what I know the best. This is my specialty. So, after a while, we had some 20 songs loosely vampire-themed songs. When our producer Matt Hyde stepped in I asked from him what did he think about this, he was excited and said, “This is great! Did you know that there’s this new movie Twilight out, which promotes you guys already in the U.S.?!” Sounded cool all right, but like I mentioned earlier, it’s been already two decades all about vampires with the 69 Eyes.

What attracts you to horror movies and vampire films in particular?
Vampires are like immortal rock stars for whom all women fall, and it’s lonely as hell. Beautiful strangers. Seemed cool as a teenager. People pointed me out as a vampire wherever I went around the world in the rock clubs. They also asked what band was I in, so I thought of using these assumptions later on.

What are your favorite vampire/horror films?
to bring a little forgotten classic vampire movie back into spotlight. Fright Night is a great ’80s movie with the first cool rock-star-like vampire on the silver screen!

To read part one of our interview, click here. For the opportunity to win a 69 Eyes prize pack, click here.

Photo by Ville Akseli Juurikkala

In our never-ending quest to give you the best music available, we present the Revolver Bootleg series. Throughout each month, we’ll post cool, new, and often-exclusive tracks right here for you to hear before anyone else.

This installment is a rare cover of Slayer’s classic “Postmortem” by metalcore group In This Moment. Guitarist Chris Howorth fills us in on the song below.

REVOLVER Whose idea was it to cover “Postmortem”?
CHRIS HOWORTH The whole idea to do a Slayer cover came because we were asked to contribute a song for a proposed tribute album that never really materialized. When we were asked to do a song on it, we quickly said yes, and being a huge fan I knew the song we covered had to be off the Reign in Blood CD. I brought the CD to Maria [Brink, vocals] and just listened through the songs with her, and she immediately gravitated towards “Postmortem” and I was stoked on her choice; it’s got a great groove to it!

What does this song mean to you?
To me it's the quintessential Slayer song. With the exception of a guitar solo, it’s got everything a great Slayer song should have: the groove with the thrash and the rapid-fire vocal delivery. It’s just a badass thrash-metal song, period.

What was fun about recording it?
We were excited to record it; we did it at NRG Studios in one day with our friend/producer Josh Newell, and it was fun adding our own twist to it with Maria's vocals and giving it a razor-sharp production.

Why did this song not make it onto an album?
Well the Slayer tribute album it was intended for never came to be, so we just sat on the song for a while and put it on our MySpace page from time to time. Eventually our good friend Jose Mangin at Sirius radio got a hold of it and started playing it on Hard Attack all the time. Now we have people come up to us at every show asking if we will play it.

What sort of feedback have you gotten on your version so far?
Our fans absolutely love it, and it seems a lot of people who don't like our band actually like the cover, too. I think metal dudes love it that a girl can belt out a Slayer song. Hell, Iwas blown away in the studio when she tracked the vocals, it's pretty impressive!

What do you think of the new Slayer record?
Badass. Slayer always delivers the Slayer sound and agression. I’ve been a fan since Reign in Blood and loved everything they have done. “Slayer, Slayer, Slayer, Slayer, Slayer!”

In This Moment: "Postmortem"

Finnish rockers the 69 Eyes have long been mainstream stars in their homeland. With the release of their ninth studio album, Back in Blood (The End)—check out an MP3 of that album's "Dead Girls Are Easy," below—they are also creating a stir in the U.S. with their horror-infused sleaze rock. The band had just completed a North American tour when Revolver caught up with frontman Jyrki 69 for this, the first part of a four-part interview.

Photo: Ville Akseli Juurikkala

REVOLVER: How’s the tour going so far?
JYRKI 69 This tour was fantastic; it was so good to see our loyal fans and rock around America! Touring in the States, the home ground of Elvis and rock and roll, is always a big deal for a poor boy like me. It’s still all about following that dream for us and playing in the U.S., it’s pretty much all you can dream of. And we also lost our Halloween virginity! This was our first time to play on Halloween over here.

Did you do anything extra special for your show on Halloween?
To be honest, despite of a bunch of black-lit jack-o-lanterns on the stage, we decided to stay in our regular stage look because Halloween is every night when the 69 Eyes play!

You’re now heading back to play in Finland. How are the crowds in the U.S. different from those in Europe?
In the U.S., we are a cult band, which gathers a certain group of freaks, glammers, Goths, and grave robbers, which is the same in Europe. But in Finland, we’re more of a mainstream band since our records are played on radio stations and we’ve sold platinum there. Our home audience dresses in black and sunglasses. American fans show their loyalty by tattoos—that’s always amazing. Generally speaking, we treat our fans as if they were our bosses; the 69 Eyes wouldn’t exist without them…and their blood. [Laughs]

As opposed to taking people's blood, though, you're a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador. How did that come about?
We’re pretty much a mainstream band in Finland, so when this kind of thing was asked from me, of course I wanted to participate! Good guys don’t always wear white. Besides if I could do anything to help this planet to survive, I will do it. Even vampires need a place to live!

To read the next part of our interview with the 69 Eyes, come back tomorrow. Also, visit our contest page for a chance to win a 69 Eyes prize pack.

The 69 Eyes: "Dead Girls Are Easy"

As their name may—or may not—suggest, Metallagher are a Metallica cover band fronted by an impersonator of ’80s comedian Gallagher. Watch them tear through a version of “Creeping Death,” complete with Gallagher’s most famous trademark. Bring your raincoat!

By Christopher Krovatin

Number of security pat-downs before entrance into venue: 14 frisks, a "Pain Waiver," and a full cavity search.

Fun fact of the night: Klokateers have cold fingers.

Favorite tour accessory: Brütal Legend playing stations in the lobby.

Seating location: First balcony.

Thanks, Revolver: No general admission? Cheapskates.

Price of a Budweiser at Hammerstein Ballroom: $7.00.

Favorite quote overhead while buying booze: “Seven bucks? Jesus, why don’t they just cut your dick off…”

First band, High on Fire, sound like: A rhino covered with spikes being ridden by a werewolf into a horde of Lovecraftian monsters.

Favorite Matt Pike stage move: Start playing badass riff, walk up to the edge of the stage, leer giddily, and nod at the audience.

Funny observation: When Matt Pike speaks, he sounds just as gruff and insane as he does when singing.

Surprising observation: There are very few hipsters here tonight. Overall, the crowd is a very metal crowd.

Not that that’s a bad thing: I just honestly expected a lot more of those Kid Robot skinny-jeans assholes loitering around tonight. You know, Mastodon, Williams Street records, they draw that crowd.

Subsequent revelation: I am old as fuck.

Next band Converge sounds like: Holy shit, a building being shot to death, I guess?

Whoa: These guys are really fucking angry!

Dream of the night: That I could ever be as spidery and terrifying as Jacob Bannon.

Best Jacob Bannon vocal part of the night: UNGH!

Final feelings post-Converge: I think my inner-ear balance is all fucked up.

Lucky number three: Mastodon, baby!

Oh, no: “Oblivion?” Well, at least they aren’t doing the whole of Crack the Skye like that last tour.

Oh wait: No, they’re…playing that whole album again. In its proggy entirety.

Also included: An awful black-and-white movie of the retarded story behind Crack the Skye.

In case you didn’t know: Crack the Skye is about a traumatized man who astral-projects but gets his karmic umbilical cord burnt off when he gets too close to the sun and then finds the spirits of mad Russian monk Rasputin who uses the help of three fury-like witches to send the man’s soul through a black hole and into his body so that Rasputin will not have to die. Or something.

Level of retardation: Y’know what? You can figure that out.

Astounding predicament: Going to a show with Mastodon co-headlining, and having Mastodon be the worst band on the bill. This is depressing.

Celebrity sighting: Dethklok guitarist Toki Wartooth wandering through the venue, screaming that he “won’t plays a fuckin’ notes until I finds my Tamogokokis virtuals pet.”

Favorite fan violence of the night: A fat hesher handing Wartooth his Tomagochi and getting shot in the kneecaps for touching him. Classic.

Finally: Dethklok.

Interesting Skwisgaar Skwigelf fact: He is taller than a tree.

Thoughts on new material: Holy shit, this sounds badass. Obviously, the boys have been brutalling down during the writing of Dethalbum II.

Most improved member: Vocalist Nathan Explosion sounds beyond enraged tonight, much more so than on the last Dethklok tour.

Awesome animation song of the night: “The Gears,” a song about the Klokateers, which featured moving backdrops of awesome, Soviet-esque pro-Dethklok propaganda.

Stunning musicianship of the night: Drummer Pickles slamming away at the skins.

Trick of the eyes: Through all the lights and the fake smoke, Pickles looks sort of like Gene Hoglan. Go figure.

Sacrifice to metal: During Dethklok’s closer, a falling light severed my arm, sending blood spraying across the boots of bassist William Murderface.

Boot-cleaner bill at my house the next day: $740.

Worth it?: Dethklok Dethklok DETHKLOK DETHKLOK.

As a proud owner of a vagina, and daughter of a gynecologist, I feel more than qualified to offer up honest, raw, and unadulterated advice regarding all things related to sex, the human body, and relationships. So, all you metalhead freaks out there, please email me your most dire, dirty, sick, and twisted questions about women and the way we work, from our emotional hearts to our even more complicated parts. Email me at RevolvHer@gmail.com, and follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/revolvher666.

Hi, RevolvHER,
I’m Christine, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a while now. I’m willing to try new things when we have sex. I’ve been thinking about giving up my ass virginity. I want to know if it’s true that if I take it up the ass, will my asshole get bigger? Please answer this question. I have been to websites and I find nothing out. I really want to know if this is true. Thanks, I love your website.
One & Only
Christine

Hey Christine,
I’ve actually had a lot of people ask me this question. Well, one former co-worker at Revolver in particular. Not because he wanted to get it up the ass, I don’t think…but, because he, like many of us, wondered if constant pounding in the sacred and sensitive rectum, would eventually wreck it. I have no medical clue if this can happen. But, I suppose anything is possible. Like you, I have gone to the web in search for medical answers and have come up with some mixed messages. From what I can gather, it is not too smart to put large objects into the rectum, especially objects that are not attached to another human. I also have watched plenty of anal porn in search for any signs of anal wreckage post-ass sex. From what I witnessed, in those close-up scenes, the ass opens to accept the penis, fingers, fist or what have you, and then once it is removed it closes back up. But again, this is not scientific proof.

My advice to you is to swallow your pride and ask your gynecologist or family doctor if there is any chance of doing rectal harm if you engage in anal sex. I would also highly recommend that you peruse my earlier blogs for countless discourses on the subject of safe and fun anal sex. I have gone into very detailed descriptions on how to do it the right way the first time.

I would also like to take this time to beg and plead to any RevolvHER readers out there to please send me some questions that do not revolve around anal sex!! I am beginning to think that this is the only thing, besides not being able to get laid at all, that metalheads think about! I need some good questions, and I apologize for my blog hiatus. I am back and in full form and awaiting some good questions. revolvher@gmail.com
xxx
RevolvHER